When you listen to those who’ve lost a loved one it doesn’t take long before you begin to hear the sad retelling of friendships lost or damaged and complaints of feeling isolated by family members. The unfortunate result, for the person who is grieving, is a deepening sadness and bewilderment wondering…
Why are the people I thought would always be there for me unable to stand by me?
One Word Answer: Vulnerability
Your loss, of a child, spouse, parent or friend, makes other people feel weak, defenseless & helpless. It challenges their sense of control and makes them face their own greatest fears of losing a loved one. For them to stand with your pain, they must touch a place in themselves they don’t want to go to.
You were most likely this same person prior to your loss. I know I was and I’m sure I didn’t’ show up in the best way possible for friends who needed me. Because back then, like your friends now, I had a choice. But now, like you, I don’t get to choose the amount of vulnerability I expose myself to – death of a loved one mandates that we step into vulnerability. [click to tweet!] And I’m not talking putting our toe in the water – it’s a cannon ball type of immersion into vulnerability!
There lies the difference between you and them – They get to choose to walk away from those feelings, protect themselves and take shelter from the raw, vulnerable, burn of an unexpected death. They get to slather up with Vulnerability Protection Factor 50 (VPF50) and go on with their lives. Appropriately protected from the damaging effects of feeling too deeply.
You don’t/didn’t get to choose and you can no longer slather yourself in VPF50 and pretend that the universal laws of life and death don’t apply to you. You, my friend, are raw and opened up to all of life’s most scary realities… and it burns hotter when we reach out for support and don’t get what we need.
Brene Brown (my girl crush) has the best TED talk on vulnerability and it will change the way you see the healing potential of embracing this tough emotion.
It’s Not Personal & It’s Not Intentional
Most of our friends and family mean well and are doing the best they know how with the skills they have. The skills we have at any given moment are a culmination of our lives experiences. Let go of wondering why they can’t just say and do the perfect thing, they might not have the experiences you need them to have to do that.
One reason we lose friends after a loved one dies is that we expect them to know what we need using our life experience as the reference point. The perfect example of using our own life to scale others experiences is the comment, “I know how you feel, I lost my: dog, cat, goldfish, great-aunt, teddy bear(fill in the blank with something you perceive to be less than your loss here).” The person is trying to connect with you based on his/her own experience and that’s the best they can do… whether you like it or not.
Just as you wouldn’t go to your dentist to deliver a baby, be realistic about what your friends strengths are and how they can support you. Perhaps you have a dear friend who sucks at hearing your stories of sadness, but she is great at bringing home baked cookies unannounced. She is showing up in the best way she can, honor that in her and don’t make her the bad guy when she can’t do what she doesn’t know/can’t do.
How do I make my friends get it?
You don’t.
Your job is to continue to do the hard work of healing fully and reap the benefits of doing the work.
Your job is NOT to make your grief journey about what or how other people respond to you. If you want to make it about how other people are reacting, then do that by your own actions. Your authenticity and truth about what heals you and owning your journey will make people take notice – in a positive, cultural paradigm shifting way.
Being angry, resentful, bitter and complaining that people don’t act the way you want does two things:
- It prevents you from healing.
- It perpetuates the exact problem you are complaining about.
Demonstrate how vulnerability can create deeper empathy for others suffering by embracing your healing. As Mahatma Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Your journey isn’t about changing other people, it’s about changing yourself for the better. Working to become a better, more compassionate citizen of the world because of your loss.
Yours is a sacred journey, not a Disneyland vacation. Choose your companions wisely.
You could go to Disneyland with just about anyone and everything would be ponies & rainbows. The sacred journey of deep healing decrees that we carefully select our cohorts. For these types of journeys it’s better to have a small group of fierce healing warriors in the arena with you than a thousand fans cheering you on from the stands. (truth is we need both)
I am not suggesting that you ‘unfriend’ people who aren’t able to stand in the fire with you. Rather cast the characters in your life story in the roles they can best play. We need all types of people in our world!
Most importantly, seek to surround yourself with those who can stand in the fire with you. Join a support group, an online community, attend a retreat or whatever you need to do to cast the other roles that your current friends and family can’t fill.
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Find out why we lose friends after the loss of a loved one. [click to tweet!]
I found your article to be very interesting. I think you’re spot-on with the vulnerability concept.
My Dad’s funeral was 2 weeks ago, I was there around the clock taking care of him. It was an honor, truly.
I had so much anticipatory grief for three months before his physical body died. While I was pre-planning an out of town funeral, military burial arrangements and preparing for life to change (making sure that my Mom did not have to deal with all such daunting details), I was able to grieve so that when he did finally pass, I was at peace because he was at peace. I feel happy for him because he no longer was in pain. I watched the slow train hit our family and knew I had to hold down the fort.
I had a friend tell me I’m ‘planning too much’ and that ‘when someone dies, just deal with it that moment.’ I’m quite glad I didn’t listen to her. Initially I thought it was a very cold approach but then I recognized I don’t like to take that type of approach in other areas of my life. We wouldn’t have been able to give him such an amazing send off if I hadn’t dealt with the details: funeral home, church planning, food of Mercy, etc.
Grateful I’m not like everyone else. When Dad died, everything was plug-and-play and the details were painless considering it was such a painful time for my family. I had everything done.
I can count on one hand how many people have called and checked on me since.
I don’t need a lot of people in my life and I don’t have a lot by design anyway. I’m blessed with a wonderful husband and a couple amazing friends that I can call at any hour should I need.
I am that Fearless Warrior and I’m a strength for many. If you can’t share your strength, what good is it.
A dear cousin of mine told me that when a tough times hit, special people rise above and don’t fall apart. I’m one of those people. I’m sharing all of this because I came to the realization years ago to be more realistic. You learn who your friends are through adversity. You learn the difference of people who call to say *how are you* and not “what happened?” The secondary aren’t emotionally invested in you or themselves possibly. Not everyone is like you and not everyone will think like you.
Be realistic in expectations and not falsely believe that there’s a lot of other Warriors out there because frankly, there aren’t.
Stand tall and be confident that all the answers you ever have are not via external support or friends. That’s a nice to have but the *must have* is your Light Within.
We all have it. Accessing it and acknowledging how powerful you can be, is the true challenge. Just as friends can be vulnerable, you are very vulnerable to yourself if you don’t know yourself.
I lost my wife after 18 years. The exact thing that you describe happened to me, in spades. I would like to point out another aspect concerning vulnerability. Many now perceive me as vulnerable and weak where they once relied upon me for strength. Some were so disappointed with me for bursting their delusional bubble, that they have abandoned me entirely. I always valued family and friendship above all else. Athena Marie’s comment is profound. I repeat it here. “You learn who your friends are through adversity.” Thank you for your article. I think many will find it comforting. -J