I am heading into ‘THE WEEK’. You know what I’m talking about… the days leading up to the last day of my son, Brandon’s, life. October 9th, this Friday marks the five year mark. On one hand time has never marched forward so slow, and yet, often feels like the blink of an eye since Brandon left. I can still see his smile, warm brown eyes, and the scar on the back of his right hand from falling through a window – and remember so much about him that only a Mother would know.
And yes, I miss him horribly.
Right now, and all I can handle is ‘right now’, I feel deeply blessed and like my life is overflowing with abundance. I also feel like there is a massive shift happening deep below the surface. It feels like there is an alignment happening that has been rumbling for a while and has finally found a place to settle.
These feelings are in complete opposition in every way than what ‘THIS WEEK’ usually feels like.
Although I will say, that one thing I have learned about anniversary and other special dates is not to get attached to any given feeling because each year brings it’s own shift. This is the essence of grief, ever changing, morphing, expanding and contracting.
Honestly, this huge shift feels both wonderful & honorable and a little WTF… and I know that at any moment I could shift again. But, for now, it feels good and I want to be with all of it.
I also think there is a really good reason for this unexpected peace. Below are the three reasons I can attribute this too.
1. Being connected to a community (a Kula) of like minded parents.
As some of you know for the last five weeks I have hosted a live conf call on Tues night where I shared the five things I’ve learned in five years that have helped me. Each call ended with Q&A/discussion with the incredible parents who are also doing the hard work of healing. It has been incredibly humbling to give and take healing messages!
I highly recommend that you stick around and get connected to this Kula so you too can get the healing juju!
2. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Period!
Time doesn’t do anything but march along uninterrupted…. but… Work in Action can be a powerful healer. I have been very mindful in recent days to do the things I know work put me in a positive mindset…. cutting back on coffee & sugar, increasing exercise, journaling in the morning, practicing gratitude.
I have been checking in with myself on almost a moment to moment basis. Being present and aware of what’s going on beneath the surface and making small course corrections before I am completely derailed and way off course. (read: feeling like hammered shit – physically & emotionally)
3. Changing the way I look at this period of time.
I have one of my beautiful Moms to thank for this. On the call last week this Mamma said she feels like these days are ‘sacred’ time (her angelversary had just passed). It resonated so deeply with my soul! The power of choice – I, no one else, gets to decide how I define this time… and I choose honor and love.
And so… I have decided to treat this week like my own sacred holiday. I am going to create my own rituals like we do for Easter, Ramadan, Hanukkah or whatever else you all might celebrate. I’m going to eat special food (like we do on other holidays), and make time for celebration and remembering.
Tweet: Find out why this period of time in my life has just become a personal holiday. http://bit.ly/1LdxAuQ @crazygoodgrief #grief #lifeafterloss [click to tweet]
Of course I plan to cry and connect to missing my incredible son. I also hope to be committed to using this time to get intimate with my grief. Just like any relationship grief and I need to check in and do some maintenance.
I am fully committed to my relationship with grief because grief will be an intimate part of my life as long as I love my son… and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
When I think of it this way October 9th becomes an anniversary about love not grief. I choose, grief doesn’t get to choose this for me.
In the comments below tell me your Love Anniversary date. Who knows maybe we should celebrate together sometime!